Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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