So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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