apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
