Don't you send me to vm
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
