you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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