ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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