You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
