Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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