so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
