went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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