everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
false alarm, still single
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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