How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
