mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
