I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
