Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
