I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
40s are totally the cure
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
