Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
we're so committed to being not committed
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
