I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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