happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
