I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
