So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize