Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
