I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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