Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
