Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize