If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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