i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
