sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
