PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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