btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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