there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I need water and some morals
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
