You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
