Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
