According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
