She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
