i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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