im six kinds of drunk right now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
