god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
