Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
