ugly people sure do ruin things
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
