i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
