i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
