My balls are so social today.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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