Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
