Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
