covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
