Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
