He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
