I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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