I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
