if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
