i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
