Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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