This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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