he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
you never un-have a 4some
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize