you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize