I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
