hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
